Jeffrey Campbell, Who Let This Happen?

Look, I enjoy a gladiator wedge as much as the next girl, but I've got my limits. Unlike Jeffrey Campbell, who clearly has none. Khaki cloth? Cheeze-say 1990s silver cowboy buckles? There are just no words.

($210, Jeffrey Campbell, Stylebop.com)

Gladiators Gone Horribly Awry

($85, Type Z, Zappos.com)

Nope. Sorry. You either get to be an Oxford OR a gladiator BUT NOT both. Both is NOT an option. Pick ONE.

Ann Demeulemeester, You Do Not Get To Do This!

No no NO! Just like you don't get to be an Oxford/gladiator, you also do NOT get to be a high-heeled boot AND a gladiator! WITH a heel. YOU JUST DON'T. Even more baffling than this horrendous hybrid is the fact that it's SOLD OUT!

Anti Rubber Shoes

Touche, MK:

($165, Givenchy, Barneys)

These totally remind me of those little-kid sandals that come zip-tied together in the metal shelving units at dollar stores and have, like, some untrademarked, bastardized version of Thomas the Tank or Dora the Explorer, but it's like Timmy the Tank or Nora the Explorer.

Also available in white!

(And agreed: Epaulet is super cuters.)

One Good Pair of Gladiators That Aren't Even Really Gladiators

FashionWatch.com did a feature on gladiators. I actually liked several of the pairs they picked, but that's probably because they cast a really wide net on their interpretation of gladiators. They're more gladiator-inspired picks. My favorite pair:

($225, Philosophy di Alberta Ferretti, eLuxury.com)

Love the coral color and neutral earthy beige.

And now back to two more offenders:

($198, Tristan Blair, Gargyle)

These will go perfectly with that loin cloth and shield I'm so fond of.

($195, Gracienne)

There's just no excuse.